


Kagero's Open Bar

by robotortoise



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Drinking, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 10:37:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16448306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotortoise/pseuds/robotortoise
Summary: As it turns out, Kagero loves the Cosmopolitan.





	Kagero's Open Bar

“…bottled juice, you say?” Kagero asked her dear friend Orochi, looking at the bottle inquisitively. She stared at the bottle, turning it over in her hands. “What does it mean that it’s ’16 proof’”?

“Ah,” Orochi said, who was dressed like a demon for the year’s Harvest Festival. “That’s just a measure of how sweet it is. And Kagero, you are very sweet, so you deserve the sweetest. Just… make certain I’m around when you drink it, okay?”

“I… see.”

“The appropriate response to a gift being given would be ‘thank you.’” Orochi paused. “Or ‘you’re sweeter, Orochi’, if you want to be doubly sweet.” She played with the pointy end of her tail. “Now, are we to get you a costume or not?”

Kagero sighed. “Do I _truly_ need one? I’ll just be there to protect Lord Ryoma.”

“Yes, you do. Think about it – you’re going to want to blend in with the crowd, aren’t you? And everyone else is going to be in costume. So, we need to get you a costume. Capiche?”

“I guess that makes sense. Do you have anything in mind?”

“No idea!” said Orochi, grabbing Kagero’s hand and yanking it forwards, forcing Kagero to follow.

* * *

 

The saleswoman was rifling through a barrel, her red ponytail bobbing up and down as she leaned down into the barrel, grabbing bits and bobs of costumes to put on the shelf. When the bell on the door tinkled and Kagero and Orochi entered, she immediately stood up straight and grinned brightly.

“Welcome to Anna’s Costume emporium!” she said enthusiastically. “How can I help ‘ya?”

“Hello, Anna,” said Orochi.

“Anna?” asked Kagero. “Aren’t you to be at the Harvest Festival later? Why are you not preparing?”

“Oh, I get that all the time.” Anna waved her hand dismissively. “I’m not _your_ Anna – I’m an Anna from another world, here to sell harvest costumes and trinkets! I’ve taken up residence in your castle to do so, and your commander Anna has happily lent me this room.” She paused and added in a hushed tone: “For a cut of the profits, anyway.”

“Yep,” said Orochi, putting a hand on her hip. “Sounds like our Anna.”

“Anyway, how can I help you?” Anna asked. She eyed Orochi and beamed. “I see you’re all dressed up, you sexy thing.”

“Regular thing,” Orochi clarified. “It’s not a sexy devil. Just a regular devil.”

Anna eyed Orochi’s outfit and raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Riiiiight… Anyhoo, what about you, gorgeous?” She sidled up to Kagero, eyeing her up and down. “What are _you_ going to dress up as?”

“I am content with whatever you give me,” said Kagero. “So, anything.”

“Good!” Anna said. “Because I only have one outfit left that fits your size.” Anna dove under a desk and returned with an inconspicuous-looking package.

“Hold on,” said Orochi. “How do you know what size she is?”

“I’m just good at my job, hun.”

“…That’s fair.”

“Anyway, you ready to try it on? I don’t let my customers leave without trying it on. I want to make certain that it fits and all.”

“…Hm.” Kagero eyed the package suspiciously. “What type of outfit is it?”

Anna slowly took the contents out of the package. Before it was fully out, she reiterated: “Remember, this is the only one I have left in stock, so don’t be mad.”

“Why would I be…” Kagero’s words died in her throat when she saw the outfit. “Oh.”

“YES!” Orochi cried much too loudly. “Yes, _yes,_ YES! Kagero, you simply must wear it! Oh, what a fun Harvest Festival this will be! My best friend is going to be a maid for the harvest!”

Kagero stared at the maid outfit.

The maid outfit stared back.

“…Was a ninja not just not enough for you?” asked Kagero.

“…Ninja are cool, sure, but maids? Now, those are simply delightful!” Orochi yanked the outfit out of Anna’s hands, shoved it into Kagero’s, and then pushed her into the changing room, slamming the door shut. “I can’t wait to see you~!” she sang.

“You saw me not five seconds ago,” Kagero said as she shuffled around inside the changing room and wriggled to fit into the maid outfit. It was particularly tight around the chest area, but she made (or, as it were, _maid_ ) due.

“I’m just about done,” Kagero said, tying the ribbons on the bottom of the dress. “My legs feel… cozier than normal.”

“That’s part of it!” said Anna. “Now, come show us the new you!”

Kagero opened the changing room door, her face nonchalant. “Does… it look good? Orochi? Anna?”

Anna swallowed the lump in her throat. “Sorry, sorry! Just trying to work back the seething jealousy right now.”

Orochi gasped and beamed. “Kagero, you look _stunning_! Oh, everyone will be turning heads to look at you tonight!”

“Jealous?” Kagero asked. “Did I do something wrong? Why would you be-”

“Oh, no, no, hun!” Anna waved her hand dismissively. “I just meant that you look so beautiful in that outfit, I’m jealous!”

“I… see. Is that a good thing?”

“For you, sure! It looks fantastic on you!” She paused for just one moment, then: “Are you ready to buy it?”

This prompted Orochi to stop smiling. “How much?”

“Well, normally it’d be five-thousand gold, but for you two, I think I can part with it for three-thousand.”

“Three-thousand for…” Kagero frowned and pulled at the frills of the dress. “…this?”

“It’s made of _real_ maid feathers.”

“I’m afraid that I don’t have that kind of money to spen-”

“We’ll take it!” shouted Orochi, a little too enthusiastically, holding out a sack of gold. “Now come, Kagero! It’s time to go to the Harvest Festival!”

Again, Orochi grabbed Kagero’s hand and yanked her forward, pulling her towards the exit of the store.

“Bye!” said Anna. “See you soon!”

“Wait,” said Kagero, “what about my old outfit?”

“Don’t worry about it!” replied Orochi. “You have tons of them!”

“Orochi.” Kagero yanked her hand away and stared at her friend accusatorily.

“Fine, fine. We’ll spare but a minute to get your precious ninja outfit.”

“Thank you.” And so Kagero walked back into the changing room, grabbed her ninja outfit, then exited the store.

“Bye again!” said Anna. “See you soon!”

* * *

 

The Harvest Festival was ripe with festivities and wonderment. Heroes were garbed in costume and walking around joyfully. Even Heroes like Grima were dressed for the occasion, having been forcibly dressed in silly attire like bunny hoods by Kiran.

Kagero ogled and stared at the various costumes, amazed at the level of craftsmanship put into some of them.

“I made this with the help of big ‘sis!” Elise was saying, referring to her bat getup. “Isn’t it great? The bat wings almost look like they’re going to fly off the costume!”

Hinoka, who was dressed as a horrifying horse creature, smiled. “Yes, you look wonderful.”

“What are you, Hinoka?” Elise asked excitedly.

“Oh, I’m surprised you didn’t guess! I’m dressed as my pegasus!”

Elise’s smile died as she looked up and down the atrocity. “Ah, it looks… It’s, er, great. Really great, Hinoka.”

“Thank you!” Hinoka crossed her arms. “I made it myself.”

“Yeah…” Elise coughed. “A-anyway, would you want to try bobbing for apples? It’s fun!”

“Okay!”

Meanwhile, Kagero kept getting strange looks throughout the festival. Men and women alike both stared at her strangely – some appeared to be angry, some thoughtful, and others, well… Their faces almost looked embarrassed. Kagero wasn’t sure what to think.

Kagero poked Orochi about this, who giggled in response. “I told you everyone would be staring, didn’t I?”

“You said ‘everyone will be turning heads’. I had presumed you were being literal.”

“I was! Are their heads not turning?”

“I… suppose so? Why are their heads turning?”

“Kagero… You’re dressed as a maid. How do I put this? Maids are, uh…. Well, they have a reputation.”

“Maids are sexy,” said a new voice. “And dear Kagero, you are certainly not the exception.”

“Niles,” grumbled Orochi. “Always something to see you.”

“Hello, Niles,” said Kagero.

“Ah, Orochi. Doing well, I presume?”

“Now that you’re here? Good question.”

“Orochi, Orochi!” Niles put his hands up. “You’re treating me like some kind of scoundrel. Which I am, I assure you, but in a party with demons and witches? Well, I might as well be the cleanest one here!”

“A party _like this_? What do you mean by that?”

“There’s an open bar. What do you think?”

“Whoa, hold up. There’s an _open bar_?”

“I… Yeah. Why, didn’t you know?”

Orochi’s eyes turned hungry. “ _Where_?” she asked. “ _Where is it_?”

“Hah, someone’s eager. It’s down there.” He pointed to a _very_ obvious, very open bar.

“Kagero, let’s go over there!” Orochi said excitedly. “Let’s get plastered!”

“Plastered?” Kagero asked.

“Hammered! Wasted! Yes, yes, yes!”

Kagero stared at her friend.

“Kagero,” said Niles disappointedly. “Don’t tell me you haven’t gotten drunk before!”

“Drunk?” Kagero frowned. “Oh, so that’s what this is about. As ninja, we never were allowed to partake in drink, so no, I haven’t.”

“And?” asked Orochi. “I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to partake as a young girl, yet I did nonetheless. But, look... That’s all in the past! We’re going to have fun tonight; come on!”

Kagero shrugged. “I suppose I might as well see what all the fuss is about. But I first must ask Lord Ryoma.”

“Lord Ry…” Orochi’s eyes widened. “Kagero, wait!”

But it was too late. Kagero had already left and was en route to her lord.

“Kagero!” Orochi called, looking around. “Kagero!” She cursed. “Damn her ninja stealth…”

“Eh, let her ask,” Niles said. “It’s not like she _has_ to listen to him.”

“That’s true…” Orochi sighed.

* * *

 

“Lord Ryoma!” Kagero said, kneeling.

“Gah!” Ryoma said, who was dressed in a kimono. (He hadn’t seen much use in buying a costume when he could simply dress up in fancy garb.)  “Who’s there?!”

He relaxed immediately when he saw it was Kagero. “I really wish you’d stop doing that.Why do you always sneak up on me?”

“Apologies, my liege. I do not intend to. Have you tried being more observant?”

“I suppose I could try. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to ask permission for something. There’s an open bar, yes?”

Ryoma stared at Kagero. “Kagero,” he said quietly. “If you’re about to ask me for permission to drink, please just… don’t. I’m not your mother.”

“Oh,” she said quietly. “Will I still be able to protect you in an inebriated state?”

“…Even though I told you to take the day off, you still think you’re on duty, don’t you?”

“I’m always on duty, my liege.”

“Then, in that case, I order you to have fun. There’s an open bar for a reason.”

“But-”

“No ‘buts’. I ordered you to have fun, didn’t I?”

“Protecting you and fulfilling my duties give me all the satisfaction I need, Lord Ryoma.”

Ryoma groaned. “I think some sake will do you much good.”

“There you are!” said Orochi. She grabbed Kagero by the arm and yanked her. “Come on! We’re going to the bar.”

“What-?” Kagero asked.

“Bye, Lord Ryoma!” Orochi said, waving.

“Have fun, you two!” Ryoma said, waving back. He turned to Camilla, who was standing next to him, and looked her outfit over – she was clad in nothing but lingerie with pumpkins printed on them. “Now, tell me why you’re an armored unit right now, again?”

Camilla smirked.

* * *

 

“So…” Kagero said. She and Orochi and Niles were seated at the bar. “What should I drink?”

“I’d say to start you off with something simple and girly,” said Orochi. “You are a maid, after all.”

Niles snickered. “I just _love_ the idea of the fearsome ninja Kagero as a meek and subservient maid. It’s too delightful to bear.”

“I still have my shuriken on me,” Kagero threatened.

“Doesn’t make any difference to me. I don’t mind a little bloodplay.”

“How can I help you?” offered the bartender. He was an older man with scars across his face, and although his visage may have been scary, his demeanor was not.

“She’s new to the world of drinking,” said Orochi matter-of-factly. “What have you got?”

The bartender shrugged. “What do you want? I can make anything from Cosmos to bourbons.”

“Both of those get you very drunk,” said Niles.

“Yeah,” said the bartender, shrugging. “So?”

“Sorry about him,” said Anna, butting her way in. “That’s Gunter. He’s not good with the newbies. Hi, I’m Anna!”

“We know,” said Niles, rolling his eyes. “And let me guess, you’re not _our_ Anna, you’re an Outrealm Anna?”

“You got it!” said Anna. “I’m from the Barrealm. We serve up drinks!”

“That _cannot_ be real,” said Orochi. “Seriously, the _Bar_ realm?”

“Hey, I don’t make fun of your realm,” grumbled Anna.

“Sorry, sorry. Anyway, our friend here, Kagero, is new to the world of drinking. What should we get her?”

Anna put her finger on her chin – her trademark gesture. “Hm… Well, for someone like her, I’d start her off light. Maybe with a cider. New people tend not to like the beers.”

“A cider, eh?” Niles grinned. “Good choice. Can’t go wrong with one of those.”

“What do you think, Kagero?” asked Orochi. “A cider?”

Kagero shrugged. “I trust your judgement on this, for better or worse.”

“Great!” said Orochi. She turned to the bartender. “She’ll have a Cosmo.”

Anna looked at Kagero, who shrugged, and Anna began making the drink.

“I thought you were going with a cider,” said Niles.

“Go big or go home, right?”

Niles shrugged. “Sure. Just be aware she’ll probably get drunk fast. You know why.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.”

“Done,” said Anna, and she slid the drink over to Kagero.

“I _will_ worry my pretty head about it, thank you very much. And I dearly wish to know what you mean by that. Do strong women tend to get drunk faster because of how much muscle they have?”

“Oh, no, not at all, my dear Orochi. It’s because of how much _fat_ their bodies have. And a woman like Orochi, well…” Niles gestured to his chest. “You know.”

Orochi sat back in her seat. “You know, Niles, I always want to punch you, but I always tend to learn something when I’m with you, so I always refrain.”

Niles smiled.

“But don’t get me wrong – you just came _awfully_ close.”

“Oh, did I, now? Well, I hope I can _come_ closer.”

Orochi glared at him. “Getting closer.”

Niles’s smile widened, and he inched forward.

“Niles, I swear-”

“Does alcohol always taste this good?” asked Kagero.

“Huh?” Niles and Orochi asked in unison.

“I said, does alcohol always taste this good? I have heard tell of it tasting more… poisonous? Yes, that would be the word.”

“Nah,” said Niles. “Usually, it tastes more like….” His eyes widened, and a wicked smile grew on his face – Kagero was downing the whole of the Cosmo in one go. “Oh, you are going to have _fun_ tonight,” he breathed.

“Kagero,” Orochi said gently. “Usually, you sip a drink like that… I guess I should have warned you.”

“Another,” said Kagero to Anna.

“What?” asked Niles. “Kagero, you do know that drink will get you drunker than a sailor on ‘free ale’ day, yeah?”

“I don’t care,” Kagero said as Anna plopped another drink in front of her. She downed it in one go. “More.”

“I…” Orochi watched this. Slowly but surely, a smile grew on her face. “I think she likes the Cosmos.”

“I do indeed like the Cosmos,” said Kagero as Anna placed another drink in front of her, and then, like clockwork, she drank it all in one chug. “Ah...”

Niles giggled. “And now we wait.”

* * *

 

“You two...” Kagero was saying, slurring her words ever so slightly, “W-well, Orochi. You’re my best… f-friends. I d-don’t know what you see in me, but… Y-you’re so nice, y-y’know?”

Orochi covered her mouth and giggled. “Thank you. Same to you, Kagero. You are a wonderful friend.”

“What about me?” asked Niles, giving a suggestive wink and grinning. “What am I?”

“You… You’re Niles.”

Niles frowned. “Damn. Was hoping for something funnier.”

“Stop trying to have sex with her,” said Orochi.

“Excuse me?”

“I know you,” Orochi said with a little sigh. “You want to sleep with anyone remotely attractive, man or woman.”

Niles gasped. “I am _shocked_ , Kagero. Shocked and disappointed! I’ll have you know that I only want to sleep with those who are very attractive!”

“Then why do I see you hitting on everyone with a pulse?” asked Orochi. “It’s not just limited to Nohrians and Hoshidans, either – I could have sworn I saw you flirt with that Inigo!”

“You’re… kidding, right?” Niles deadpanned.

“Why would I be?” asked Orochi.

“You…” Niles composed himself. “You know that’s _Laslow_ , right?”

“Why would Laslow go by a different name?” asked Orochi. “That’s preposterous!”

Niles pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is getting tiring. If this is your idea of fun, then I think I’ll go bother someone else.”

“What’s the matter, Niles?” Orochi smiled smugly. “Afraid of trading barbs?”

“Oh, not at all. I just feel this night should be about getting Kagero as drunk as humanly possible. If my presence is hindering that, then I’ll leave.”

“Oh.” Orochi relaxed. “Yes, that does sound fun, doesn’t it? I do wonder what type of drunk she’ll…” She trailed off when her gaze ventured to Kagero – or rather, the lack thereof. “Um, Niles?”

“Yes?”

“Where did Kagero go?”

“That’s…” Niles looked around frantically. “Uh… Well, crap.”

“Yeah,” said Orochi. “’Crap’ indeed.”

* * *

 

“Ryooooomaaaa,” Kagero said. “Ryoooooooma! Where are you?” Stumbling around, Kagero searched for her liege. Her ninja senses (dulled from the gratuitous alcohol) were failing her. “Ryooooooma, where are you?”

“Kagero?” Ryoma asked. He was standing around Xander (a pirate) and Beruka (a bedsheet ghost), chatting. When he saw Kagero stumbling around and calling his name loudly, he gave her his full attention. “What… What in the world are you doing?”

“Cosmo,” Kagero said, grinning sheepishly. “M-my liege… I wish for you to experience the mind-numbing pleasure I am currently undergoing!”

Beruka took one look at the situation unfolding in front of her and decided to walk away swiftly.

“A g-glass for you, milord…” She held out an empty glass, which Ryoma stared at. “Take it!”

“Kagero…” Ryoma started.

“N-no!” she said, shaking her head, exposing her right eye. “I w-want you to do this for me! I do everything for you – do something for me!”

Ryoma, taken aback, took the glass after she shoved it into his chest.

“What’s going on?” asked Xander.

“I have no clue,” replied Ryoma. “Kagero, what has gotten into you?”

“Shhhh,” she said, using a shuriken to uncork the juice bottle. “I filled it with Cosmo.”

“You filled a wine bottle… with a Cosmopolitan.”

“You say this was a wine bottle?” Kagero stared at the bottle. “Ohhhhh. Well, now it’s a Cosmo bottle! A cosmottle!”

Xander cracked a smile. “I think she wants you to drink it, ‘Lord’ Ryoma.”

Kagero nodded eagerly. “Please, my lord!”

“I will not,” Ryoma said.

“Please, my lord!” Xander mimicked. “Come on, it’s the Fall Harvest. What else is there to do?”

“Not make a fool out of myself, for one.”

“But it’s fuuuun,” Kagero countered. “And how often do I get to have fun? Besides, did you not ask me to do this? Is it not hypocritical for you to request such… such a thing, and not do it yourself?”

Ryoma stared at Kagero.

She stared back.

“…Dammit,” muttered Ryoma. “Fine, one ‘Cosmo’. But only one!” He held out the glass, and Kagero happily poured him drink.

Ryoma downed the whole drink in one go.

Xander couldn’t help but burst into laughter. “You’re going to have one hell of a night!”

“Hm?” Ryoma wiped his mouth. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Do you… not know what a Cosmopolitan is?”

“Er, no. In Hoshido, we only drank sake and wine.”

Xander patted Ryoma on the back. “It’s a very potent drink. You’re going to be slurring words, friend.”

“WHAT?!” Ryoma glared at Kagero. “ _Kagero!_ ”

She giggled. “It is very fun, Lord Ryoma!”

“I... I suppose if it can even make you giggle, then it truly must be fun.” Ryoma sighed. “Then very well. I shall have fun. It’s not like I have much of a choice, do I?”

“Not really,” said Xander.

“Kagero!” said Niles, making his way to her. “Where have you been?”

“We’ve been worried sick!” added Orochi. “Well, _I_ have, at any rate. Niles here was making lewd comments to all the Heroes.”

“Untrue. I was only complimenting them on their outfits.”

“Yes, but you were so _you_ about it.”

“I cannot help how my tongue wags.”

“You most certainly can!”

“Are you to kiss him or not?” asked Kagero.

“ _What?_ ” cried Orochi. “No, no, _NO!_ And watch your mouth!”

Niles giggled.

“You are not my liege,” said Kagero. “I needn’t take orders from you.”

“Kagero!” chided Orochi. “I have never heard you be so combative. …I _love_ it. Niles, this was a fantastic idea.”

Niles bowed. “Thank you. I do try.”

“Ryoma drank a Cosmo,” Kagero added.

“Yes, well...” Orochi paused. “Wait, he did _what_?”

“Kagero guilted me into it,” Ryoma said defensively. “I would have never done it on my own.”

“My, my!” Orochi said. “I do love this new Kagero very much. You’re so fun!”

Kagero beamed, and Ryoma groaned. “This night is going to be terrible…” he muttered.

“Hang in there, champ,” said Xander, barely managing to contain his snicker.

* * *

 

Thanks to the powers of the Cosmopolitan, Ryoma, Kagero, Niles, and Orochi bonded together, friendships blooming anew.

When they awoke the next morning, there was much headache and regret from the night prior. But each had fun (even if Ryoma and Kagero would never admit it afterwards.)

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, kids: if you want to have a good time, involve alcohol!
> 
> Shout-out to cecilyn for helping to beta this fic!


End file.
